What are boundaries and how do I set them?
When I am working with clients who are dealing with aging parents or adult children with addiction struggles, the topic of boundaries often comes up. Clients will talk about not feeling heard when communicating with loved ones or needing a break from caring for someone they love but not knowing how to ask for it. In these instances, I find it helpful to explore what a boundary is, what it feels like to have a boundary crossed, how to set a boundary and the reality of the feelings when setting boundaries (hint…it always is uncomfortable and inconvenient.)
Having strong boundaries is important because it protects your self-esteem and your identity as an individual and exercises your right to make choices for yourself.
Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from another person’s feelings. These types of boundaries can best be thought of as your own invisible force field and you are in charge of protecting it.
Violations of emotional boundaries include:
letting another’s feelings dictate your own
sacrificing your own needs to please another
accepting responsibility for someone else’s feelings/needs/emotions
someone else’s schedule highly impacting your own schedule
someone reading your text messages or emails without permission
sacrificing your own finances to please another
To identify when your boundaries are being crossed, it’s important to tune into your body, your feelings, and your reactions. Feelings and sensations can include:
stress / anxiety
physical discomfort
grief
fear
chest tightening
that “pit of your stomach” feeling
jaw clenching
anger
These responses often stem from feeling taken advantage of, not feeling appreciated, or doing too much. If you find yourself feeling this way, it might be time to set a boundary.
There are many ways to set a boundary. Regardless of the approach, you are communicating to others the rules for yourself that you uphold. Even the most clearly communicated boundaries do not ensure others will respect them. A boundary is not meant to control someone else’s behaviour; instead, it’s an action that you will implement in the case of certain behaviours. They are about what you are willing to tolerate or accept and how you will advocate for yourself in certain situations. They are made up of the request; what you would like someone to do, or not do, and the consequence; what you will do if the boundary is crossed. While they may not respect the request, the most essential element is that you follow through on the consequence.
Set realistic expectations. “Yes, I can do X but not until Y.”
Say Yes in the right way. “Yes, I can help with that but not until next week as my plate is currently full."
Communicate your needs. “I understand you think it is funny to make jokes in front of others, but I don’t. If you continue, I will excuse myself from the event.”
Protect your focus. “Can we chat about that later? I’m in the middle of something and want to be able to concentrate on our conversation."
Avoid over explaining. “I can’t help you with that right now.”
Set boundaries from a place of love. “I love you and I’m not going to have this conversation over text."
Setting boundaries can be hard because it forces us to be honest with ourselves. They also force us to confront someone we love with a topic that might be uncomfortable or cause conflict. Here are some ways I recommend for managing difficult feelings often associated with setting a boundary:
Talk it out. Talk to friends, talk to family members, talk to other members of a support group. Often others can help see your situation objectively and reiterate your reasons for having boundaries.
Identify your values. What matters most to you? Is it trust, integrity, honesty, social justice? Align your boundaries with your values and you cannot go wrong. They are part of your identity – they are what make you whole.
Consider: Who are you responsible for? When you are feeling torn with setting a new boundary, or reinstating one, ask yourself: “What am I responsible for, and what am I not responsible for?” Tell yourself: “I am responsible for my happiness, behaviour, choices, and feelings. I am not responsible for the happiness, behaviour, choices, and feelings of other adults." Repeat.
Put yourself first: Make a commitment to yourself to put your own identity, needs, feelings and goals first. Commit to letting go of fixing others, taking responsibility for the outcomes of others’ choices, saving or rescuing others, needing to be needed, changing yourself to be liked, or depending on others’ approval.
Visualize: Write a list of boundaries you would like to strengthen. Visualize yourself setting them and assertively communicating with others what your boundaries are and when they have crossed them. Role play or practice in front of the mirror so you are confident and prepared for the real-life circumstance.
It is important to remember, this is a process. Start with a small, non-threatening boundary and experience success before taking on more challenging boundaries. Keep editing as the boundaries may need to change. If you would like to do a deeper dive into boundaries and what they mean for you, book a free phone consultation to see if I can help.
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